The Knots of Not Letting Go

 

You know what it’s like to be stuck... not in a room, not in a house, not in a country. I’m talking about being stuck in people, in individuals. They may have adapted to our absence. We, too, may have automatically pushed through our daily lives. We may have met and gotten to know new people, spent time with them, and made them our own. But no matter what we do, every event, every conversation, leads back to this one person. As days, months, and years pass, we realize that our existence is trapped in these few people. They may have trapped us only to the point of making us think that it would have been better if we had never met them, at least then we wouldn’t have to remember them so much.

This place gave me someone like that. Even now, someone I remember every day. Every day, at least one thought about her crosses my mind. I know those times are over, that she is living peacefully in a new place with new work. I know that she is safe, in safer and more loving hands than mine. I know that coming back is not easy, and that falling away marks the end of an era. I know that this equation will never be the same again.

And yet... I am stuck in her. The me, who buys postcards she would like and writes, “I miss you here every day.” The me, who picks up random things, thinking, “If she were here, she’d like this.” The me who talks about her, asking, “You know how she would be…” to whoever is around me. The me who thinks, “I should bring her here next time,” when I eat the food she loves. The me who picks up fallen flowers from the ground, holds them in my hand, and takes photos. The me who remembers her playlist whenever I listen to soft, mellow Hindi songs. The me who has kept everything she left in my room exactly as it is… waiting in vain for her return.

We may have tried many times to free ourselves from this entanglement. We fail. The more we try to untie it, the tighter the knots become. Again and again, we may realize that no one else in this world can replace that person. So let the trap be, with you, until one day it unties itself and sets you free. In truth, it is fear. Fear that my love will suffocate them. This entanglement is my problem, only my problem. The burden of love is heavier than any human being can bear. Never, ever, put it on the shoulders of those we love.